Love is............

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very nice person, I can't be.  I try to do the best things for people and I have good intentions but things go wrong.  My biggest downfall has been falling in love a few years ago.  I come from parents that have been married six times between them, that taught me that love is fickle and shallow and non existent so I never thought it was real.  Then it happened!  I fell head over heels for a lady that initially I couldn't stand.  All the things I had heard then became real. The butterflies in the stomach, the longing just to be with them and the knowing that she was "the one"

I freaked out, I tried so hard to handle those feelings but royally fucked it up.  But this doesn't alter the fact.  I pushed her away because I knew I was upsetting her due to my inability to be human about the tsunami of emotion that hit me as I had been a sociopathic robot up until then.  The problem is simple and not at the same time.  She is now happy in the arms of another.  I hope and pray that she will get what she needs and deserves.  I am an emotional shipwreck and not deserving of someone like her.  She was real and happy in her own skin which I admired and was petrified of at the same time.  My upbringing will define me. I want to love and I do. Forever more she will be the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I close my eyes at night.  The thought of seeing her makes me breathe hard and physically shake but I know she deserved better than me and hopefully she will find it, God willing.

I am not a good person otherwise the woman I love would be with me now and I would never have written this post.  I get it now, I did the wrong thing for the right reason. I stand by that and will live with it forever. I will endeavour to become a better person but after 35 years I realise you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Stepping out of the shadows

For longer than I can remember I have spent my time walking usually longer routes to my chosen destination.  I have not commented on things on social media sites that I feel I should have.  I have felt bad for working certain shifts because the timing might not be good and make some people uncomfortable.  I am pleased to say this is no longer the case.  Should I need to get somewhere I will head straight there. My intention is to comment should I wish and work whatever hours suit me. My reasoning is simple.  You can spend your whole life beating yourself up for things and worry about what others may think.  Yes, I have made mistakes, Yes I was ill. But, I never hurt anyone but I hold on to a belief that I need to stay out of the way.  After much soul searching there is a belief that no longer should my existence be denied.  I will do what I want when I want to and if you don't like it, jog on.  Life is short and precious and I have wasted far too much of it considering the thoughts and feelings if people that don't consider mine.  This decision has nothing to do with anything other than my belief that things need to change for the benefit of my own life.  Nobody else will look after it for me so I must own it.  You can only beat yourself up for so long, especially about things that you felt you had no control over.  In addition if you were being manipulated to feel that way, the reasoning becomes even less.  There are no longer any self imposed restrictions in my life. Don't let anybody put any on yours. 

Robots 1 v love 0

Several years ago I broke a promise to myself.  I said I would never allow myself to feel an emotion.  That promise was made as a boy and lasted through becoming a man.  I had girlfriends, relationships and even a marriage without breaking the promise I had made. The promise was that if I didn't feel anything for anyone I would be numb and if I was numb then I could never feel pain.  It was an anaesthetic for the soul. And it worked for a very long time, I survived a number of relationships, had a Son, that went South, bumped into an ex, married her and had another child. The birth of the children were the cracks which began my initial downfall. Going from nothing to unconditional love is a quantum leap, and it shocked me, at the same time it was natural so it caused no drama.  I embraced it for what it was and it was amazing. 18 months later I was hit by a comet. Without warning one day, I was hit in the middle of my chest with a feeling. I failed to recognise it to start with , I denied it, acknowledging it would be like sticking my head out of the trench and that is exactly what it was.  It was love and it was everything you see in a movie. It stopped me like a cannonball.  Imagine going to sleep with a massive smile on your face knowing you will wake up with the same. Just hearing their name makes your heart beat so hard that your chest hurts, seeing them walk into a room makes you so happy you could cry. Knowing that you don't care if anybody in the world exists apart from that person. Willingness to sacrifice absolutely anything just to see that person smile.  Well, I felt that and more but am not liking to tell anyone anything they don't already know. Suffice to say it went wrong, totally my fault for many reasons. I got ill and freaked out, she had her reasons which I respect. She was too nice, I had to pretend to upset her so she would live the life she deserves. Sacrificing my own feelings so that she can be happy. Not bad for a kid who promised not to feel a thing ever. Regrets? Many. Happy? No. I learned a lesson. The 8 year old me probably had the right idea .

Angry at what?

I am angry. Not just a little bit annoyed or a touch cheesed off.  I am raging.  I wake up raging, I rage all day and can't sleep because I am so angry.  I cannot really explain why, it has just surged on me.  I can't stand having people around me yet I do not want to be alone.  People's voices annoy me, people on the train platform make my blood boil.  It is like an energy that comes from my gut and I cannot stop it.  However, I am containing it better than I have done ever before.  I am somehow channeling it to positives but I fear that it may take me over.  Not in a violent way, just that I know what I am like and could do something spiteful or, more likely do something that I will regret by upsetting someone for no logical reason.

I just hope it subsides while I am still in control of it.  I have been this angry before but I am pleased to add, never this aware of it. Awareness is key to the situation and as unwritten this it is working, I am walking, working and breathing to release it.  While I don't know why I have this anger, experience has taught me one thing, it won't last forever so I must just ride the wave until it is replaced by another emotion.  And it will, which brings me solace.  Awareness of emotion is new to me and not an exact science, however it is something I am thankful for.

Never mix your money with your honey

As time goes by, you are taught "not to shit on your own doorstep" by this, I mean don't get into any sort of emotional relationship with someone you work with.  In my experience it always goes wrong in one way or another.  Although, don't mix your money with your honey is probably a better way of putting it.

I have has three workplace relationships. I married one, which went south. Lived with one and I got ill so that went shit shaped and the other one was in a relationship and unwilling to let him go.  Very different scenarios and very different circumstances but one common thread makes them similar.  Each one has resulted in me leaving my job and hurt.  Work carries it's own pressures and challenges, adding emotion to it only blurs the lines and stops the business/social lives having their own identities.  I regret how I left each job and regret more the way the relationships ended even more. One in particular but that is a whole different story which I don't wish to address any time soon if I am honest.  

Basically, what I mean is that there is no real long term harm in a drunken fumble at the Christmas party. The worst case scenario with that is an awkward Monday morning.  But if you like your job, entering into an emotional commitment with a colleague will undoubtedly end badly. Yes, I am sure that there are couples who met at work and remain blissfully happy with each other for now.  These, unfortunately are as rare as rocking horse poo so keeping a Grand Canyon size gap between where you make your money and who you spend it on is the safest option should you wish to continue your current employment. And for those "blissfully happy" couples, I have nothing but admiration and envy.

Where do I sit on the train?????

I haven't posted for a while. However, there is a valid reason for once.  I have been conflicted as to what to write.  Initially I wanted to write about one thing but common sense took over and I thought better of it. Not because it was bad or derogatory to another person or people but because I will deal with that another day.

Anyway, I have decided to share an observation that I have had for a whole but not shared.

I have been a commuter for over a decade and seen many weird and sometimes wonderful things.  However, I have a terrible habit of judging my fellow commuters, putting them into categories and therefore judging them on sight.  A bad habit I know but a minor cross to bear in the great scheme of life.  Firstly there are "the greys" these are the city types.  An army if you like, of ashen faced, pin stripe wearing newspaper carriers.  They travel to London at the crack of dawn, they show no outward emotion or have any distinctive feature that differentiates themselves from the one behind or the one in front.  They work long hours for a soulless multinational financial institution, earn a lot of money yet never spend any of it on themselves.  Their younger wives do this for them. They are at home, usually a Victorian semi, driving their 2 ridiculously named children (rupert and briony) to school half a mile down the road in an over furnished agricultural vehicle which can navigate the toughest terrain known to man, but as long as it is bigger and shinier than the other mummy's, will suffice for now.  "The Greys" return home after 8 pm and can only look forward to a microwave waitrose dinner, no sex and a credit card bill littered with trips to the spa and a gym membership for the woman who spends an awful lot of time and money to look good without them personally reaping the rewards.

Next, come "the clones" these are the guys in their mid twenties who wear shiny suits, an awful lot of hair product and pointy shoes.  These guys are the lost souls as they are "the greys" of the future. Yes, they sit on their tablets or smartphones playing games and spend the weekends buying drinks and snorting drugs and having sex with costumed, perma tanned young girls who appreciate  the free drinks and attention, this however is the pre cursor. Let me explain, in time, the mundane junior jobs these guys hold will, with effort result in a higher office which is what they aspire to, in reality it means them working longer hours for more money and less time to themselves. Thus evolving into one of the greys. In 25 years time they will kick themselves.

Other groups are the students, who have silly haircuts and shuffle around like zombies, dragging their feet and grunting at random, often playing crap "music" from their smartphones.  Lastly, and possibly the worst, for me, are the chavs.  These are the 30 stone women in leggings, who shout swear words non stop followed by a group of unkempt urchins with equally ridiculous names as the children of the greys (britney and Blaze) who pick chips from their paper Mcdonalds bags, while their mother struggles with several giant Primark Bags full of more poorly fitting leggings and t-shirts emblazoned with motivational slogans such as "bootylicious".  I never understand whether these are worn in an ironic way or just deluded.

These are generalisations obviously, put these seem to be the types of people that I am forced to share a space with for several hours a week.  My point is that I see this and wonder which category I fall into? I am sure people that know me would offer a suggestion! Hence, my putting my thoughts on here rather than verbalising directly to them.  The way I see it, is that I dance to my own beat, resulting, quite often to my own detriment , me not fitting in any of them and leaving myself with nonsense of identity. Perhaps I will start a new group called the "indecisive mavericks". In the mean time I will keep my head down and my headphones in.

The sins of the mother

When you meet a lady you unexpectedly walk into a whole pile of invisible issues.  Firstly, as we know, there are the daddy issues. This is a "can't win" issue! Because if a girl was brought up properly and Daddy had a good job and no issues and was brilliant, you have to match that or be better.  The other option was that Daddy left us, or was a drinker, or took drugs or was someone with no job.  In that circumstance you are dealing with someone else.  In fairness the second option usually comes with a tale provided by mum which expands the truth to a level. In that case I believe that every story has two sides.

As a guy who is trying to meet someone, both scenarios are frustrating. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot win. There is a phrase "for the sins of the father" and that is so true. 

Personally, I don't care what my mum has done and don't feel it relevant to my life.  Unfortunately, this is not the case when it comes to the female of the species. You will always be judged as not good enough or just like him, whether you meet him or not. Or or like him or not.  So your future happiness will be based on the life of her father or the beliefs held by her mother or siblings about him. Who or what you are is irrelevant. So, if you ever hear the words "you remind me of my Dad" either run or take the compliment. 

A tree with no leaves is not dead

As part of the daily commute to work I have to walk to the station. During the winter months this is an unpleasant and unrewarding experience, the frost crunches underfoot and the threat of slipping on the ice greets every step. 

This journey continues for months and the sight of the harsh looking bare branches swaying hauntingly in the high winds, offer no solace during this time.

However as I made this same journey in recent days I was greeted by a sight wish has changed my views on my personal journey over the last few years.

As I turned the corner into the tree lined avenue which concludes my journey, the branches which had been bare and somehow intimidating were covered in a bright pink blossom, this had appeared almost overnight and was a visual reminder that these trees were not dead they were completely the opposite, they were in fact, very much alive.

It was then that my epiphany consumed me.  I had hardly noticed those trees for a long time, during winter months they appear to be overwhelmed by their environment and simply died.  It became apparent that they had merely been doing exactly what they needed to in order to be in the best condition they could be, in order to not only survive but to flourish once their environment is more kind to them. Each individual tree will then have a battle to be taller, greener and wider so that they can attract more of the sunlight they need to be able live.  

This is how I have seen my journey.  I had to fade, regroup and do what I needed to do in order to come back stronger, taller (hopefully not wider) in order to succeed.

My walk to work feels somehow different now, I feel an affinity with my surroundings now.  I am not more likely to hug a tree but am far less likely to stub a cigarette out on one, after all, who am I to do anything to obstruct their survival?  Like a wise man once said "if you can't help me, don't harm me"

It's not an attitude it's a mirror

During my renaissance it has become clear to me that I have reflected too much on attributes and actions of people that annoy me.  So, I think it only fair that I should at least offer some sort of explanation for this which will also (I hope) act as a defence. 

Initially when I meet a person I instinctively assess them, by their posture, accent, attitude and appearance. Which, I know for a fact is wrong but I do. I am not racist or sexist, homophobic or ageist. However, I come from a place and a generation that are/were. And to be fair, I was brought up that way too within a certain degree. But do not agree with it.

I will explain where this leads me to as I digress somewhat.  As everybody does, when I meet or am introduced to somebody I automatically and subconsciously make assumptions about them and make a decision not to like them.  However, I have reasons as to why this may be and have planned a future in which this will not be the case.

When I was 11, I apparently told my Mother that if I do not like anyone they can't let me down. Quite the defence mechanism for a child of that age, I am sure you will agree? Following on from that, during my teenage years I decided that to not dislike, but to automatically dismiss people in a negative manner and should they prove to be nice and good people than that could only prove to be a positive reaction albeit potentially long term.

I have know recognised the reasons for this and have seen results as an adaptation of my attitude and action occurs.  

You like a person for reasons. Either, you see qualities within that person that mirror what you perceive your own to be. Or, you admire qualities of a person that you potentially aspire to be like or akin to.

I know realise that I should meet someone and open myself to them because not everybody will fail you, and in the same vain, you will not let everybody else down.

Suffice to say that "benefit of the doubt" is a mantra I shall cling by from this point and upwards. 

Three rights still make a wrong

Work is going well. Pay rise, promotion and qualifications. My health is better than it has been for years. My personal life is stable with bridges being built with friends and relatives. I feel like how I have wanted and prayed I would for so long, yet something is still missing. I don't know what it is, or I do but suppress the acknowledgment of it for fear it may envelop me and drag me back to the despair of the past. I wish that I could have the strength of others and cast aside feelings and emotions in favour of monetary fulfillment and self gratification, but alas this ability is not part of my psychological profile. I am unsure as whether I find a way to develop this ability would be a positive or negative addition to my life, hence my reluctance to find out. I often come across people in my life who can appear to be fully committed and emotionally engaged to something or someone. Whether it be a job, pet or relationship and then have an amazing ability to be able to discard it almost at a whim and move on to something or someone else with apparently no thought whatsoever. As I say, I am yet to ascertain as to whether this is a good or a bad thing so that leaves me stuck between feeling both envy and pity for these people. Saying that, the fact I have an opinion at all speaks volumes  I guess. ....

New dawn.........

So, finished with the hospital and am allegedly all fixed. After my procedure I had the most concentrated headache I have experienced. Imagine the worst migraine you have ever had, add a hangover and multiply by 5 and you have an idea if what I mean. That lasted for a couple of days.  Then that cleared like mist lifting from a lake and clarity entered my long confused mind.  I am truly excited and daunted at this prospect. Excited because my future thoughts and feelings will not be clouded or confused and that hopefully this will lead to happiness at some point. Daunted because there is a trail of mess behind me caused by the last few months and years.  The pain and suffering I have caused others will forever lay heavy in my heart and no apology or action could ever fix.  I cannot go forward looking back so I can only think positively and learn from this and promise myself that I will do everything for the right reasons.  Today was the first time I can remember for a long time that I have laughed purely and unconsciously just as an instinctive reaction.  Something that I took for granted for many years until the ability deserted me.  To have it back was an amazing feeling and one that I cannot wait to experience for many years to come.  To have gut feelings and not having to force or construct emotional response is always a roller coaster as some can be good and some not so much but I cannot wait to see where it takes me. It has taken a lot to get to this point and a lot of terrible sacrifices have been made but that's how it had to be to get here.  So I stand on the starting line of the rest of my life, sober, cured and hopeful. At the moment that is all I have got but it's more than I had. For that I am eternally grateful to the Doctors who put me back together and what ever higher power deemed me worthy of the opportunity. I will not waste it.