It's been ages since I felt the urge to put something on here but I think a blow out will do me good. Not because I am in a bad place or because I need to rant. Just because I have come to a realisation of what it is that I need from life. Since I last posted I have done many things, some I am proud of and some not so much but everything I have done has been in order to channel where I am and where I want to be. For example, I got promoted at work. That felt good, recognised for working hard and doing the right things. That comes with challenges though. Not only do I have to continue to carry my baggage I now get to carry 13 other people's. Struggles with money, relationships, child care and medical things. This is all fine but in order to do this I have little choice but to put my issues on the back burner in order to help others with theirs. What have I learned from. This? Well, I have learned that I am pretty damn good at giving advice but pretty poor at listening to it. It's a good feeling to have a team that listens to you and the results they get for me are testament to that. 12 out of 13 would walk through a wall for me because they know I would do the same for them. The other 1 I will just sack. If their is one thing I have learned is that if you have a cancer you have to cut it out. I have tried to help but you really cannot help some people.
In other aspects I tried to find out where I am in the relationship front. I reverted to type and slept about for a while. I went with a married woman, a 23 year old just to boost my ego which it didn't and have acquired a stalker which isn't ideal. None of these made me feel any better. Maybe the 23 year old did for a day but that was it. I learned that I have potentially got more of an emotional attachment to sexual relationships than I used to, as every experience has given me more questions than answers. I have stopped doing that now because I seek answers and not questions. Quite glad it didn't work out behaving like that because it was emotionally draining.
So, work is ok. Unless I find a long term relationship one day with the right person I am out of that game and I have my health. All things considered I have been in far worse places, but I am still not in the place I want to be in. The challenge is not even a daily one. I decide what I want from the next hour and achieve it. Micro management I know but for now it works
