Panic attack? Me?................

Before I began typing this I took the time to go outside and smoke a cigarette and as I watched the white and grey clouds hurry seamlessly across the blue sky in to the distance, I pondered just how honest to be in this post and what I wanted this to bring for me.  After I had heard the fizz of my cigarette extinguishing and lying next to those that came before, I made the conscious decision to be very honest and that by "saying" it, it would somehow clear space in my brain for other, albeit lesser dilemmas I currently find standing before me.

Over the last 3 months everything has been manageable in as much as I have felt in control of my actions, thoughts and feelings. That changed dramatically less than a week ago.  It was then that I felt it.  That burst of emotion that comes when you realise that despite your best efforts not to, that you have begun to have feelings for someone.  I have learned from past experience that the wise ones have the ability to build massive walls to hold this back and in all honesty I really thought I had done the same.  It was only when she told me that she had feelings for me that my struggle began.

When I say struggle, I do not mean that in a negative way.  It's a wonderful feeling, it really is.  But past experience has taught me that it must be managed and not just because of self preservation but mostly to protect the other person.  As always, I failed at this in spectacular fashion. Immediately I began thinking and feeling outpourings of all sorts.  The more that happened the more I fought it.  I fought it because I know how easy it is to lose control and immerse yourself in that person, this leaves you vulnerable and that is something I don't feel I could do.My situation, as always is difficult, as is common at my age, so is hers.

Then it came. After over thinking the situation, as is my way. I arrived at work, sat down. Within seconds I couldn't breathe, I was shaking uncontrollably, my arms and lips were tingling and my mind was spinning like a washing machine on a spin cycle.  I don't know what caused it.  It only lasted a matter of minutes and then it drifted away without trace, not unlike the clouds which I mentioned earlier.  I went to hospital.  I was checked over and had various tests done and nothing physical was detected.  After seeing several doctors, nurses and some other guy who I'm not sure who he was, I was told I had been the subject of a panic attack.  I laughed at this notion.  A panic attack? What have I got to panic about?  Nothing happened that morning to induce the breath stemming, mind jumbling and terrifying experience that I had succumbed to.  The doctor then asked me if I had anything going on in my  life which was causing me any stress?

At that point it all became clear.  It's not that I am afraid to have feelings for someone, in fact, quite the opposite is true.  What scares me is that I do not want to cause the other person any upset or distress and the fact that I convince myself that they would be better off with someone else.  When I had my seizure a couple of years ago I had the same feelings, as I had indeed made someone I love feel hurt and I struggled to live with that knowledge. It's why I revert to making my theory come true and push them away so that they can find this better person I feel they deserve.

Hopefully, now I can finally recognise this character flaw.  I can take the right actions to avoid a repeat of this cycle.

Whether now is the time to put it to the test remains the next decision.

Time heals but never forgets

So, in the nearly 10 months that has passed, an awful lot has happened. For starters, all the problems that I had have vanished almost as quickly as they arrived. The thoughts and feelings that imploded within me, took over my life and destroyed have gone. What caused this? I have no idea. In the same way that I will never know what brought them to me in the first place.  All I do know is that I am no way sorry to not feel that way anymore.

On the same note however, in a strange way I am not ashamed to have been that way for so long. Don't get me wrong, I lost everything and quite rightly so. However, I was blessed with the opportunity to look within myself and decide what sort of person I want to be and decide how that will come to be. 

I am always conscious that they could return at some point but I take every action I can in life to avoid this.

Those dark and evil thoughts that haunted me and ruled my actions and was unapologetic in their attempt to destroy me will live long in the memory.

I am 100% sure that I have come out of the other end a better person. Understanding the depths to which the human mind can work independently of its host is really an eye opener. I have a new found respect for life, other people  and that emotion should be embraced rather than suppressed.  There is no shame in admitting a weakness or a shortcoming, just as there is not in showing your strengths.  

It's only once you have taken yourself to the edge of yourself do you fully realise the complexity of your existence.

Far from now feeling ashamed or guilty. I feel that I have now become a well rounded, empathetic human. Something that anyone who knew me previous to the darkness would never have known me to be. Having experienced this, all I can offer to those who are now treading a similar path is to hold on, trust your own mind and remember that you are not alone in this. However much you have pushed all your loved ones away and isolated yourself. The ones who are willing to take the time to allow you this journey will be there when you emerge as the person you want and deserve to be.