Over the last 3 months everything has been manageable in as much as I have felt in control of my actions, thoughts and feelings. That changed dramatically less than a week ago. It was then that I felt it. That burst of emotion that comes when you realise that despite your best efforts not to, that you have begun to have feelings for someone. I have learned from past experience that the wise ones have the ability to build massive walls to hold this back and in all honesty I really thought I had done the same. It was only when she told me that she had feelings for me that my struggle began.
When I say struggle, I do not mean that in a negative way. It's a wonderful feeling, it really is. But past experience has taught me that it must be managed and not just because of self preservation but mostly to protect the other person. As always, I failed at this in spectacular fashion. Immediately I began thinking and feeling outpourings of all sorts. The more that happened the more I fought it. I fought it because I know how easy it is to lose control and immerse yourself in that person, this leaves you vulnerable and that is something I don't feel I could do.My situation, as always is difficult, as is common at my age, so is hers.
Then it came. After over thinking the situation, as is my way. I arrived at work, sat down. Within seconds I couldn't breathe, I was shaking uncontrollably, my arms and lips were tingling and my mind was spinning like a washing machine on a spin cycle. I don't know what caused it. It only lasted a matter of minutes and then it drifted away without trace, not unlike the clouds which I mentioned earlier. I went to hospital. I was checked over and had various tests done and nothing physical was detected. After seeing several doctors, nurses and some other guy who I'm not sure who he was, I was told I had been the subject of a panic attack. I laughed at this notion. A panic attack? What have I got to panic about? Nothing happened that morning to induce the breath stemming, mind jumbling and terrifying experience that I had succumbed to. The doctor then asked me if I had anything going on in my life which was causing me any stress?
At that point it all became clear. It's not that I am afraid to have feelings for someone, in fact, quite the opposite is true. What scares me is that I do not want to cause the other person any upset or distress and the fact that I convince myself that they would be better off with someone else. When I had my seizure a couple of years ago I had the same feelings, as I had indeed made someone I love feel hurt and I struggled to live with that knowledge. It's why I revert to making my theory come true and push them away so that they can find this better person I feel they deserve.
Hopefully, now I can finally recognise this character flaw. I can take the right actions to avoid a repeat of this cycle.
Whether now is the time to put it to the test remains the next decision.
