to write or not to write?

Been away for a while.  Not in the sense that I packed my bucket and spade and headed to the beach, more so that after my heightened mood toward the middle of last month, I inexplicably nosedived in to the worst depression of my life.  I reverted back to alcohol, had 3 suicide attempts and wallowed in self pity for the best part of a month.

Thankfully this has now lifted for the time being.  I am considering writing a book to see if that could be the outlet I am looking for.  Bearing in mind nobody has ever commented on this I have no gauge as to whether my story would be well received. On the other hand it does not matter, will do it for my benefit rather than anyone else's. I do not want money, fame, recognition. I just want to say goodbye to the darkness that haunts my mind and soul forever so that I can live the remainder of my years at peace.  Not too much to ask is it?

2 out of 2000 aint bad, is it?

All my life, everything I have set out to do I have failed.  All that is other than 2 things.  The first being so convinced that I would follow my Parents into a world of alcohol abuse and that feeling that I had no way of combating it, so it would be just easier to lay down and let it happen.  The other, was being heartbroken when I split with my childhood sweetheart when she cheated on me with my best friend after 3 years that I vowed to get her back.  Now, during my early twenties the two met and as a drunken wreck I was reunited with her.  When I finally sobered up I found myself married to her, a child on the way and having won her back I felt no trust or love toward her.

Well, it is now 7 years later, we split for 18 months in which time I met and lost the true love of my life, again through a mixture of depression and alcohol.  So now, I am on the sofa in the marital home, despising every moment of it and cursing myself.  I have learnt a lot (mostly the hard way) and am determined that things will change and every goal I set myself I will not achieve.  Over the last 2 days the glorious sunshine has got the endorphins buzzing once again.  I am positive for the first time in years about the future.  It is only now I feel ready to set the goals which will be the backbone of my future.  I hope and pray that the love of my life's path one day crosses mine and that I can fix what I so foolishly broke.  At this time all I could say is "sorry" but talk is cheap so my actions will be the visualisation of my feelings.

choosing the battles to win the war

Having spent so long wallowing in self loathing and pity at the ever growing pile of crap my life is becoming, I decided today that rather than trying to tackle the issues en mass, I have chosen to pick two or three single issues and seek to resolve them.

Today, for instance, I decided to complete some court papers I have had lingering for a long time and get those served and sent to court.  Also, I continued my increasingly farcical search for voluntary work.  To not a great deal of success, agreed but I can look in the mirror and try.  These two things alone have been part of the make up of my depression for a long time and now they are, for the most part, complete.

Also, I have agreed with myself that I will not decide what to do tomorrow until it arrives, as undoubtedly if I decided now, I would become anxious and ultimately undo any good work done by worrying about them.

It is nearly impossible to for half a man to kill a giant, but by chipping away at him piece by piece, he will become smaller.  As the frightening presence which once towered over you and filled you with fear becomes smaller, the confidence in your own abilities increases.  If this continues, then over time you will become so confident and assured that you will grow and become the giant.

That was today, how was yours?

After the Lord Mayors show but better, just

Well, after a dramatic weekend filled with me being, very drunk and obnoxious I have now dried out and feel a bit silly but a bit better.  2 days on the sofa attempting to dissolve my liver I now feel a bit of self loathing was just what I needed.  I know it was the at the expense of what ever little love and respect that those around me still felt, but you know what? that has been in decline over the last couple of years anyway and was probably undeserved.

So, the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle, a glass or a can.  My quest for self worth must continue and I have started today by looking for some voluntary work. In these days where we are bombarded by MP's about the so called Big Society, I have spent 4 hours trawling the Internet, willing to undertake any menial task in exchange for a drop of self respect.  I have hit a bit of a wall at the moment but it seems you need to be fluent in at least nine languages and have a pilot's licence to help in a soup kitchen.

However, I remain undeterred, tomorrow there is a meeting for people to volunteer locally, so assuming I can possibly help an elderly person with the gardening or go and take someones library books back without having a PHD in the translation of ancient Inca wood carvings in to Swedish then I might have a chance.

So a dry day both indoors and out ahead and I will continue my search. Chin up friends.

Drunk and pissed off

I woke up this morning and had a drink, I had another 10 minutes later and will have one every 10 minutes until I pass out.  I miss my life.  I miss my lady and I want to get pissed.  Not bothered who I upset or what damage I cause.  I really dont care. I will write what I remember.  Have a lovely day and God bless x

stroking Percy

What a weekend! Friday night I could not sleep.  I was tired but could not sleep as every time my eyes closed I was hit with what felt like a silver bullet to the temple with a reminder of my ex and the extent of my feelings toward her.  I woke up every ten minutes until the relief of daylight graced me and I was able to begin the next day.

Saturday I felt really positive.  I got myself ready and went for a walk.  I went to the shop, bought a paper and some breakfast and returned to the house (note, not home)  Upon my return there was a large brown envelope on the welcome mat.  This in itself is ironic as the content of this envelope was far from welcome.  It was a summons to court on April 18th as the mother of my son wants contact with him.  Deluded as she is and despite her previous erratic behaviour she feels that she has earned the right to see him again.  I read and digested the content of this summons and almost instantly prepared the case in my head as to how I would dispute her medication fuelled wantings.

My son had been out all night at a hike with the scouts and had finished at 1am and gone to stay with his cousin.  He returned home at 1pm the next day and appeared to have had a good time.  My major problem only came when I asked him what he had been up to that night, he answered " I spent most of the night stroking Percy"  At that point I froze and my mind began to reach for the conversation I needed to have and the birds and the bees.  I sat down, I had sweaty palms and a dry mouth as I hurriedly tried to imagine what I was going to say in respect of procreation and all the variants that accompany this.  I began with the usual blurb about how we grow up and our feelings become stronger and that sometimes Ladies and us chaps fall in love and we have urges.  I was nervous and withering on like an idiot, making the most carnal and basic feelings a human can have sound like the meaning of life.  Confused, it was then that he quite innocently explained that Percy was his cousins cat.  Relieved is an understatement of epic proportions.

Now I have postponed "that" chat for a while I can focus on getting myself match fit.  I will get there I am sure.  Just not sure the quickest route to get there.

Blowing out the candles

As I finally found my eyes focusing this morning I saw that the Sun was high in the sky and that the birds were singing their good mornings to one another.  I felt so positive as I showered and readied myself for the day ahead.  Then it hit me.  Today is a milestone birthday for the lady I lost during my illness.  I immediately recalled all the plans we had made and the laughs we had while offering suggestions as to what we could do to celebrate the occasion.  We had spoken of so many things, going on holiday or going to London to name just two.  I had been so looking forward to expressing my true love in a monumental way in order to show my undying love and commitment to her.  Today had been chosen as the day that would celebrate our feelings and devotion.

Reality, however, now that the day is upon us is somewhat different to that which had me so full of anticipation just a few moths ago.  As I type this the card and present I had bought sit at my side, unsent and unwanted.  It amazes me that something I bought with such love now fills me with such sadness.  My illness and erratic behaviour of recent months has meant that I ave no way to speak to her, then there is facing the harsh prospect that receiving a gift, card or hearing my voice could ruin her day.  I dreamt so long of seeing her face as she opened the present and watching her blow out the candles, praying that the wish she would be of happiness in our future together.

Ironically, it was at the precise moment that I remembered the way today would be in reality was when grey cloud covered the sun which had warmed my face just moments prior and the birds almost in unison became mute in their chorus.  I did pluck up the courage to send her a text offering my good wishes for her day. I got no reply, but that does not surprise me.  I behaved badly and was not in control.  I just hope and pray that she has a lovely day, whatever she does, it's just so tragic that I lost the chance to share it with her.  All eyes will be toward the heavens tomorrow morning, hopefully the Sun will have again chosen to shine.

When clouds cover the sun

Have you ever sunbathed, when it is so hot that your can feel your skin tighten, it becomes hard to draw a full breath, your lungs fill with short bursts of hot, dry air.  Then, all of a sudden the orange glow you see behind your closed eyes goes dark, leaving just white spots, then a cool light breeze appears as if from nowhere giving you an unexpected shiver.  Eventually you open your eyes slowly and once focus as been regained you see a cloud has drifted between you and the sun that just moments ago had enveloped you in such warmth.  You study the cloud which has so selfishly chosen to make it's way between you to work out how log you think this interruption may last and calculate as to whether it is worth staying where you are or rather take the opportunity to do something else.

Well, that is the best analogy I can find to describe my day so far.  I woke from an uncharacteristically peaceful sleep feeling refreshed and positive, the morning routine passed without incident and the path to the end of the day seemed clear and full of opportunity.  It was then that the cloud came in the form of somebody who was intent on bursting my bubble and cloud over my positive mood.  Unfortunately, the succeeded.  I am now waiting for this cloud to pass so that I may once again feel the warmth of the sun, a feeling I have missed so much.  As for the person that caused this, I feel sorry for them as they have without doubt moved on to shed their negativity over some other unsuspecting person.  What a shame some people can only find happiness in the misery of others.

Are gentlemen dead?

I recently saw an advert, it had the lyrics of an old song, it said "thank heaven for little girls, for little girls get bigger every day"  At the time I heard it I thought this was wrong, then I thought about why?

When a door is closed to a Lady I open it.  I keep my elbows from the table and I keep all the etiquette I was taught.  However society has changed.  I can cut at least 20 minutes off my journey by walking along an alley to get home.  The majority of the time there is a Lady walking down the alley so I walk the long way. If I walk toward the town and kids in a playground are playing, I will cross the road.

I am neither a rapist or a kiddy fiddler, but I feel it necessary to do these things.  Any idea why?

It is because I am a man with a conscience, I offer no harm to anybody, but the situation we men find ourselves in leaves us no option.  Any advice would be well received.

They call it love life for a reason!

Love is a complicated creature. I call it a creature because that is what it is. I will explain why.

When you first find it, you automatically connect with it.  You get butterflies in the very pit of your stomach at the thought, let alone the sight of the person that is the subject of such feeling.  You cannot connect a train of thought without that person interrupting.  You want to spend as much time with that person, escalating these feelings.  Even a man can multitask when in love, you can simultaneously count the minutes from when you last saw them while at the same time counting the minutes until you see them again.  You want to do everything for them.  You want to be with them, emotionally, physically and spiritually while at the same time screaming your feelings from the roof tops.

Can you name something that is just an emotion that provokes such feeling?  anger, jealousy, confusion and even sadness can pass over you like a wave after a short space of time.  All emotions can be overtaken by your subconscious.  They can be suppressed, transferred or even ignored depending on the person these emotions are affecting.  This cannot be done with love. Love controls you. Love lives and grows within you. You cannot control how it makes you feel and you cannot suppress it.  For this reason they call it a love life, for the duration you experience this feeling is a life cycle.

However, I have recently found the other side to this previously amazing creature I had finally managed to catch and then nurture.  I now see the the side of love.  To explain it visually I can only compare it to the alien which lives within it's host in the Alien films.  You cannot sleep without visualising the person, your appetite dwindles, your concentration is reduced to zero as your thoughts always drift like gravity toward memories and thoughts of that person.  The butterflies which once flew and tickled the lining of your stomach have now become a knot which tightens further with every thought.  You cannot see beyond the next ten minutes and you don't really care if you don't exist at the end of those ten minutes because without that person and those feelings the world and its contents hold no meaning for you. But at the same time you have to stay alive because you still care for that person, you don't want to know what they are doing but regardless of the impact to you it has to make them happy. Thoughts of another person filing your shoes are hurtful but you stay alert as you want them to be happy.

I have never owned so much as a goldfish but I have met, owned, grown and lost the creature called love.  It hurts like hell but glad I did.

love or not?

So here is the dilemma.  Having lost the love of my life, my home and most of my marbles I am at a crossroads.  Do I spend the rest of my life living a lie in order to to avoid stress? By this I mean living in an area I dont like, having no money and no control over my life.  The flipside to this is that I get to be with my children.  Or, do I chase happiness, not knowing if I can have it in the way that I would like, by this I mean, regaining my one true love and the possibilty of living happily ever after.  I have battled my demons and this is the dilemma I now face.

There is only one certainty of both possibilities and that is the fact that nothing is certain.  Whichever way I go I have promised myself to commit fully to it as it wuld not be fair on anyone to not.  I have nobody impartial to speak to about this which is why I write this blog, answers on a postcard.......

The orchid that cannot flower

Over the years I have seen some spectacular orchids, they have been of all colours, sizes and their beauty is shared by all those lucky enough to behold them.  They can grow indoors, outdoors and in the most extreme conditions Mother nature can expose them too.  However it it not these orchids I wish to discuss.

Often, for a variety of reasons you can have or see an orchid upon which there is no flower.  You water it as recommended, you offer it plant food, it is positioned in exactly the best environment, yet for some reason it never produces a single flower.

So what should you do? should you throw away the orchid because you feel it is not repaying the love and effort you have put in to it's life simply because it has no flowers.  Or, should you continue as you are, feeding and nurturing it in the hope that it will flower at some point?  Some people may feel it easier to just throw the plant away and look for another that can flower and does, I for one would keep the orchid, it may not be that it wont flower, it may just be that it cant so it deserves to be cared for just as much as it's floral friends.

What I am trying to say is that just because you do not get the results you may be after, it is not fair to set limits as to what you expect another living thing to do.  Some people cannot "flower" to others expectations so it would not be fair to disregard them, maybe find out if they are happy as they are, from there respect and admire them as they may just flower within.

My Son, God bless

Home life was hard.  I had a young baby and a Son, he was 8.  My Son was from a different mother who had various psychiatric issues, as yet undiagnosed.  During the time I had known her it had come to my attention that she had hurt him several times through various methods. She had held him under his own bath water, placed a pillow over his head and smacked him, all unknown to me and all before the poor little fellow was 18 months.  After over a dozen court visits, most of which were very traumatic it was decided by the judge that he would be better off living with her, during such time I had sole care of him, potty trained him, taught him to speak and had a wonderful time just himself and I.  After the ruling, he was placed in the care of his mother and I was to have joint custody of him for 3 days and 2 nights per week.  Within a week of this ruling, my ex partner had decided that she would not agree to this ruling and I never saw him for 3 years.  As it happened, upon walking from my work in Ipswich to the station one cold January evening I received a phone call.  I took the illuminated phone from my black duffel coat and placed it to my ear.  The number had come up withheld, traditionally I would ignore such numbers but a wretch in the lower part of my stomach compelled me to answer the call.  A warm sounding lady called Kate introduced herself as the case worker for my Son, apparently his mother had been admitted to a psychiatric unit near to my home and she wanted to get the paperwork going so that my ex partners' new husband could adopt my Son as she had been told I no longer wanted to be a part of his life.  In shock, I explained that this had never been the case and despite a court granting me joint custody of my Son, I had never had the privilege of these undertakings been met, despite numerous telephone calls, my access to my Son had always been denied to me.  From there another set of meetings was put in place.  The first was to be held at a family centre, in attendance were to be, Parents and significant others, teachers from his school, health care professionals acting on behalf of both my ex partner and my Son.  With both trepidation and excitement both I and my wife attended this meeting, it was held on a cold and grey Wednesday February morning at a local authority family centre in an adjoining town.  At this meeting, the true extent of my former partner's mental health had become apparent.  During the time she had denied me contact she had become a self harmer, she had also taken many overdoses of the anti psychotic drugs she had been prescribed, this had led to social services becoming involved as she had been admitted for psychiatric analysis many times.  During this meeting I heard an endless list of scenarios to which my Son had been exposed.  I felt sick to the pit of my stomach hearing them, it was revealed he had been neglected both psychologically and physically. Having not been given the grace to be explained any of these events prior to this meeting and having nothing to offer other than proof of my clean criminal record and a thorough drugs evaluation (it had been claimed by my ex that I was a habitual user of amphetamines at a prior court case, which I passed for every substance within the proceeding 7 years) it was deemed that I should be given supervised contact with him at the local contact centre.  He was also placed on the "at risk" register whilst the relevant people continued their investigations.

The meetings went well.  It was a wonderful to be reintroduced to my Son, we played games, had conversations and read.  What really hurt was the fact he was so timid toward me. A combination of lies told by his mother and the confusion of the current situation had led him to be both shy and guarded toward me.  Regardless of the heightened feelings I continued to attend the meetings, mostly held at his school, during which his mother and her mother in law became increasingly erratic as the truth of the life my Son had became apparent.  After half a dozen of these meetings and despite the raised voices, threats and ill truths it was decided that for the benefit of my Son both he and hi mother could come to my house on his birthday and we would have a barbecue to celebrate. 

On the day, my Son, his mother and stepfather duly attended.  We smiled and together celebrated his special day, without incident, the day went as well as I had hoped.  However, the following day there was a call from the social worker while I was at work.  She told me that there had been an "incident" following the barbecue and that could my Son come and stay with me, otherwise they would have to make other arrangements.  Without hesitation I agreed, I left my place of work soon after and arrived home at the same time he was being dropped off.  I will never forget he had a very small suitcase with him containing some ill fitting clothes and a couple of toys.

From that point on he has stayed in the care of this household, away from the squalor and uncertainty of his previous life.  At least now he is both happy and safe, I will go on and explain what happened next, just speaking about this has been hard so need to stop soon.  As for his mother, she continues to have severe mental issues and I wish her no harm, however she will never be allowed to withhold or harm my little boy again.

So there it was gone.  One chance to be finally happy and I blew it.  Not because I did not want to be happy, just because I did not recognise the feeling and became overwhelmed.  So what now? stay as I am and see how long the constant drinking and self abuse takes to put me out of my misery or try and work through it.  At this moment it would be so easy to take the self pity route and continually blame myself and others for the situation, but I dont see many benefits for anyone by doing that.  Instead I will pick myself up, dust myself off and work out a plan.  I have responsibilties and my focus must be on them, I need to do whats best for everyone else, it is not their fault I am such an emotional retard and I dont have the energy to blame anybody else.  I have come to the realisation that if you have lost everything you care about then all you can do is gain, easier said than done I am sure but who said life should be easy?
At least I can say I have felt love in it's purest form so I am grateful for that, just a shame that once I got it I could not handle it, Frank Sinatra croned about how he had too few regrets to mention, well if they all feel like this I dont want anymore.  I will just have to smile and work out what to do.  I have tried drinking, didnt help.  I have taken every pill the doctor told me too and neither did that so it's back to the drawing board for me, hey, tomorrow is another day.

Modern men, metrosexuals and cave men alike, do you have feelings? I do not mean likes or dislikes.  I mean real emotional commitment to anything.  The reason I ask is I am confused.  I know a lot of guys who use hair dryers and pluck their eyebrows and wear skinny jeans.  They go out at a weekend with the intention of "scoring" "banging" or even if they have a girlfriend it is "keep her sweet, what she don't know wont hurt her"  I also know a lot of people of various generations who wear dirty jeans, work boots and go to the pub every night, they drink beer, get drunk, often fight.  However, they will not hear a word against their "dear old mum" "her indoors, love her to bits" and even "The Queen Mother, God bless her"

The reason I ask is that it really seems not to work as it should aesthetically.  I have been on this earth a while and wonder where the term "take people on face value" comes from?

Now, why it matters.  A wise person told me that she could tell what I was like as soon as she saw me, that's as may be but it makes her a better man than me.  I cant tell who is a nice guy and who is a womanising psycho.  All I would say is that if people were how they looked from the outside then the world might be very different, either that or some blokes would have to shift bricks all day before they go "banging" maybe that would be a good introduction of karma in action.