2 out of 2000 aint bad, is it?

All my life, everything I have set out to do I have failed.  All that is other than 2 things.  The first being so convinced that I would follow my Parents into a world of alcohol abuse and that feeling that I had no way of combating it, so it would be just easier to lay down and let it happen.  The other, was being heartbroken when I split with my childhood sweetheart when she cheated on me with my best friend after 3 years that I vowed to get her back.  Now, during my early twenties the two met and as a drunken wreck I was reunited with her.  When I finally sobered up I found myself married to her, a child on the way and having won her back I felt no trust or love toward her.

Well, it is now 7 years later, we split for 18 months in which time I met and lost the true love of my life, again through a mixture of depression and alcohol.  So now, I am on the sofa in the marital home, despising every moment of it and cursing myself.  I have learnt a lot (mostly the hard way) and am determined that things will change and every goal I set myself I will not achieve.  Over the last 2 days the glorious sunshine has got the endorphins buzzing once again.  I am positive for the first time in years about the future.  It is only now I feel ready to set the goals which will be the backbone of my future.  I hope and pray that the love of my life's path one day crosses mine and that I can fix what I so foolishly broke.  At this time all I could say is "sorry" but talk is cheap so my actions will be the visualisation of my feelings.

choosing the battles to win the war

Having spent so long wallowing in self loathing and pity at the ever growing pile of crap my life is becoming, I decided today that rather than trying to tackle the issues en mass, I have chosen to pick two or three single issues and seek to resolve them.

Today, for instance, I decided to complete some court papers I have had lingering for a long time and get those served and sent to court.  Also, I continued my increasingly farcical search for voluntary work.  To not a great deal of success, agreed but I can look in the mirror and try.  These two things alone have been part of the make up of my depression for a long time and now they are, for the most part, complete.

Also, I have agreed with myself that I will not decide what to do tomorrow until it arrives, as undoubtedly if I decided now, I would become anxious and ultimately undo any good work done by worrying about them.

It is nearly impossible to for half a man to kill a giant, but by chipping away at him piece by piece, he will become smaller.  As the frightening presence which once towered over you and filled you with fear becomes smaller, the confidence in your own abilities increases.  If this continues, then over time you will become so confident and assured that you will grow and become the giant.

That was today, how was yours?

After the Lord Mayors show but better, just

Well, after a dramatic weekend filled with me being, very drunk and obnoxious I have now dried out and feel a bit silly but a bit better.  2 days on the sofa attempting to dissolve my liver I now feel a bit of self loathing was just what I needed.  I know it was the at the expense of what ever little love and respect that those around me still felt, but you know what? that has been in decline over the last couple of years anyway and was probably undeserved.

So, the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle, a glass or a can.  My quest for self worth must continue and I have started today by looking for some voluntary work. In these days where we are bombarded by MP's about the so called Big Society, I have spent 4 hours trawling the Internet, willing to undertake any menial task in exchange for a drop of self respect.  I have hit a bit of a wall at the moment but it seems you need to be fluent in at least nine languages and have a pilot's licence to help in a soup kitchen.

However, I remain undeterred, tomorrow there is a meeting for people to volunteer locally, so assuming I can possibly help an elderly person with the gardening or go and take someones library books back without having a PHD in the translation of ancient Inca wood carvings in to Swedish then I might have a chance.

So a dry day both indoors and out ahead and I will continue my search. Chin up friends.

Drunk and pissed off

I woke up this morning and had a drink, I had another 10 minutes later and will have one every 10 minutes until I pass out.  I miss my life.  I miss my lady and I want to get pissed.  Not bothered who I upset or what damage I cause.  I really dont care. I will write what I remember.  Have a lovely day and God bless x

stroking Percy

What a weekend! Friday night I could not sleep.  I was tired but could not sleep as every time my eyes closed I was hit with what felt like a silver bullet to the temple with a reminder of my ex and the extent of my feelings toward her.  I woke up every ten minutes until the relief of daylight graced me and I was able to begin the next day.

Saturday I felt really positive.  I got myself ready and went for a walk.  I went to the shop, bought a paper and some breakfast and returned to the house (note, not home)  Upon my return there was a large brown envelope on the welcome mat.  This in itself is ironic as the content of this envelope was far from welcome.  It was a summons to court on April 18th as the mother of my son wants contact with him.  Deluded as she is and despite her previous erratic behaviour she feels that she has earned the right to see him again.  I read and digested the content of this summons and almost instantly prepared the case in my head as to how I would dispute her medication fuelled wantings.

My son had been out all night at a hike with the scouts and had finished at 1am and gone to stay with his cousin.  He returned home at 1pm the next day and appeared to have had a good time.  My major problem only came when I asked him what he had been up to that night, he answered " I spent most of the night stroking Percy"  At that point I froze and my mind began to reach for the conversation I needed to have and the birds and the bees.  I sat down, I had sweaty palms and a dry mouth as I hurriedly tried to imagine what I was going to say in respect of procreation and all the variants that accompany this.  I began with the usual blurb about how we grow up and our feelings become stronger and that sometimes Ladies and us chaps fall in love and we have urges.  I was nervous and withering on like an idiot, making the most carnal and basic feelings a human can have sound like the meaning of life.  Confused, it was then that he quite innocently explained that Percy was his cousins cat.  Relieved is an understatement of epic proportions.

Now I have postponed "that" chat for a while I can focus on getting myself match fit.  I will get there I am sure.  Just not sure the quickest route to get there.

Blowing out the candles

As I finally found my eyes focusing this morning I saw that the Sun was high in the sky and that the birds were singing their good mornings to one another.  I felt so positive as I showered and readied myself for the day ahead.  Then it hit me.  Today is a milestone birthday for the lady I lost during my illness.  I immediately recalled all the plans we had made and the laughs we had while offering suggestions as to what we could do to celebrate the occasion.  We had spoken of so many things, going on holiday or going to London to name just two.  I had been so looking forward to expressing my true love in a monumental way in order to show my undying love and commitment to her.  Today had been chosen as the day that would celebrate our feelings and devotion.

Reality, however, now that the day is upon us is somewhat different to that which had me so full of anticipation just a few moths ago.  As I type this the card and present I had bought sit at my side, unsent and unwanted.  It amazes me that something I bought with such love now fills me with such sadness.  My illness and erratic behaviour of recent months has meant that I ave no way to speak to her, then there is facing the harsh prospect that receiving a gift, card or hearing my voice could ruin her day.  I dreamt so long of seeing her face as she opened the present and watching her blow out the candles, praying that the wish she would be of happiness in our future together.

Ironically, it was at the precise moment that I remembered the way today would be in reality was when grey cloud covered the sun which had warmed my face just moments prior and the birds almost in unison became mute in their chorus.  I did pluck up the courage to send her a text offering my good wishes for her day. I got no reply, but that does not surprise me.  I behaved badly and was not in control.  I just hope and pray that she has a lovely day, whatever she does, it's just so tragic that I lost the chance to share it with her.  All eyes will be toward the heavens tomorrow morning, hopefully the Sun will have again chosen to shine.

When clouds cover the sun

Have you ever sunbathed, when it is so hot that your can feel your skin tighten, it becomes hard to draw a full breath, your lungs fill with short bursts of hot, dry air.  Then, all of a sudden the orange glow you see behind your closed eyes goes dark, leaving just white spots, then a cool light breeze appears as if from nowhere giving you an unexpected shiver.  Eventually you open your eyes slowly and once focus as been regained you see a cloud has drifted between you and the sun that just moments ago had enveloped you in such warmth.  You study the cloud which has so selfishly chosen to make it's way between you to work out how log you think this interruption may last and calculate as to whether it is worth staying where you are or rather take the opportunity to do something else.

Well, that is the best analogy I can find to describe my day so far.  I woke from an uncharacteristically peaceful sleep feeling refreshed and positive, the morning routine passed without incident and the path to the end of the day seemed clear and full of opportunity.  It was then that the cloud came in the form of somebody who was intent on bursting my bubble and cloud over my positive mood.  Unfortunately, the succeeded.  I am now waiting for this cloud to pass so that I may once again feel the warmth of the sun, a feeling I have missed so much.  As for the person that caused this, I feel sorry for them as they have without doubt moved on to shed their negativity over some other unsuspecting person.  What a shame some people can only find happiness in the misery of others.