Well! where to begin? An awful lot has changed since my last rant on here so I thought I would write down my thoughts about where I find myself now and my thoughts, fears and hopes for the months ahead. Today, I want to begin with the medical stuff as that has been the catalyst to all other events.
Firstly, I would like to begin with an overview of the past that fate has chosen to lead me down in the 20 months since my last post. Most importantly is the fact that I never had a drink problem. Despite my best efforts I could not maintain that lifestyle and decided to seek a definitive explanation regarding my moods and behavior that destroyed my life almost to the point of no return. This began with a seizure earlier in the year. My Daughter had to witness her Father convulsing and thrashing around with my tongue clamped between my teeth and taken away in an ambulance. The sight of her crying and being scared and me not being able to do anything to calm her was the worst moment of my life. Thankfully that finally convinced the medical authorities to have a look and test me for the things I had been complaining about for the previous 3 years. This chain of events coincided with another which I will go into in due course. I have and continue to have numerous tests to find out what has been wrong with me all this time and pray that this will be resolved finally in January 2014 and that I can then put the darkest chapter of my life behind me. I can however, now perfectly understand how the frustration and misery caused purely by a genetically inherited chemical imbalance in the brain can and has caused people to end their lives prematurely, as I can honestly admit it was an option I considered and for a tie actively pursued, much to my regret. It has only been the last 3 months I have grown to accept and understand that the feelings I have felt and the things I have done have been purely due to this. I do however accept responsibility for this as I should have tried to do more earlier, but I was scared to find out what it was. Fingers crossed that nightmare is very shortly to be at an end.
On a happier note, I find myself back at work again. Doing a job I have grown to like ad the possibilty to advance at a rapid rate, which coupled with my medical issues deminishing is at present the thing that is keeping me motivated to continue. When I first took the job in March I had no motivation to anymore than I had to to get by and was more than content to do that. Thankfully, some of my more positive characteristics have come to the fore. I started here just a fortnight after my seizure and was terrified it would happen again. I was therefore holding back from exercising the effort needed to succeed. That changed in July when my health dipped again. I suffered another minor episode and had to take 2 weeks off work. During these 2 weeks I travelled a full spectrum of physical and mental emotion. I could not move, I suffered palpatations and sweats and was ranting and shouting and my moods became increasingly erratic. At that moment, I honestly believed that this was how the remainder of my life would be. My consultant contacted me and after a cosultation this all stopped, through mild medication, exercise and diet changes. During this fortnight was when it finally dawned on me that I have to try hard at work as that is what I always did previously and that I hadn't suddenly become a bad person and that athough I felt I had lost everything and that it had all changed, that nothing is permanent and that if I truly want to get normality back then I have to go claim it. I again, got up, dusted myself down and threw myself into work and decided to let the other stuff sort itself out. I have since received a promotion and been placed on a management fast track scheme. I am concious not to take on too much too quickly, but everyday I feel stronger and more resurgent and the more I do, the more I want to do. I only have myself to look after, so rather than sitting in my poky flat whinging and worryig about what might or might not happen, I can grab the world by the balls and swing it.
I do not know what lies ahead long term. All I know is that everyday I become more empowered and march on through life. Not without some cuts and bruises, some of which might never go, but hey, they just might!
