A tree with no leaves is not dead

As part of the daily commute to work I have to walk to the station. During the winter months this is an unpleasant and unrewarding experience, the frost crunches underfoot and the threat of slipping on the ice greets every step. 

This journey continues for months and the sight of the harsh looking bare branches swaying hauntingly in the high winds, offer no solace during this time.

However as I made this same journey in recent days I was greeted by a sight wish has changed my views on my personal journey over the last few years.

As I turned the corner into the tree lined avenue which concludes my journey, the branches which had been bare and somehow intimidating were covered in a bright pink blossom, this had appeared almost overnight and was a visual reminder that these trees were not dead they were completely the opposite, they were in fact, very much alive.

It was then that my epiphany consumed me.  I had hardly noticed those trees for a long time, during winter months they appear to be overwhelmed by their environment and simply died.  It became apparent that they had merely been doing exactly what they needed to in order to be in the best condition they could be, in order to not only survive but to flourish once their environment is more kind to them. Each individual tree will then have a battle to be taller, greener and wider so that they can attract more of the sunlight they need to be able live.  

This is how I have seen my journey.  I had to fade, regroup and do what I needed to do in order to come back stronger, taller (hopefully not wider) in order to succeed.

My walk to work feels somehow different now, I feel an affinity with my surroundings now.  I am not more likely to hug a tree but am far less likely to stub a cigarette out on one, after all, who am I to do anything to obstruct their survival?  Like a wise man once said "if you can't help me, don't harm me"

It's not an attitude it's a mirror

During my renaissance it has become clear to me that I have reflected too much on attributes and actions of people that annoy me.  So, I think it only fair that I should at least offer some sort of explanation for this which will also (I hope) act as a defence. 

Initially when I meet a person I instinctively assess them, by their posture, accent, attitude and appearance. Which, I know for a fact is wrong but I do. I am not racist or sexist, homophobic or ageist. However, I come from a place and a generation that are/were. And to be fair, I was brought up that way too within a certain degree. But do not agree with it.

I will explain where this leads me to as I digress somewhat.  As everybody does, when I meet or am introduced to somebody I automatically and subconsciously make assumptions about them and make a decision not to like them.  However, I have reasons as to why this may be and have planned a future in which this will not be the case.

When I was 11, I apparently told my Mother that if I do not like anyone they can't let me down. Quite the defence mechanism for a child of that age, I am sure you will agree? Following on from that, during my teenage years I decided that to not dislike, but to automatically dismiss people in a negative manner and should they prove to be nice and good people than that could only prove to be a positive reaction albeit potentially long term.

I have know recognised the reasons for this and have seen results as an adaptation of my attitude and action occurs.  

You like a person for reasons. Either, you see qualities within that person that mirror what you perceive your own to be. Or, you admire qualities of a person that you potentially aspire to be like or akin to.

I know realise that I should meet someone and open myself to them because not everybody will fail you, and in the same vain, you will not let everybody else down.

Suffice to say that "benefit of the doubt" is a mantra I shall cling by from this point and upwards. 

Three rights still make a wrong

Work is going well. Pay rise, promotion and qualifications. My health is better than it has been for years. My personal life is stable with bridges being built with friends and relatives. I feel like how I have wanted and prayed I would for so long, yet something is still missing. I don't know what it is, or I do but suppress the acknowledgment of it for fear it may envelop me and drag me back to the despair of the past. I wish that I could have the strength of others and cast aside feelings and emotions in favour of monetary fulfillment and self gratification, but alas this ability is not part of my psychological profile. I am unsure as whether I find a way to develop this ability would be a positive or negative addition to my life, hence my reluctance to find out. I often come across people in my life who can appear to be fully committed and emotionally engaged to something or someone. Whether it be a job, pet or relationship and then have an amazing ability to be able to discard it almost at a whim and move on to something or someone else with apparently no thought whatsoever. As I say, I am yet to ascertain as to whether this is a good or a bad thing so that leaves me stuck between feeling both envy and pity for these people. Saying that, the fact I have an opinion at all speaks volumes  I guess. ....