Love is............

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very nice person, I can't be.  I try to do the best things for people and I have good intentions but things go wrong.  My biggest downfall has been falling in love a few years ago.  I come from parents that have been married six times between them, that taught me that love is fickle and shallow and non existent so I never thought it was real.  Then it happened!  I fell head over heels for a lady that initially I couldn't stand.  All the things I had heard then became real. The butterflies in the stomach, the longing just to be with them and the knowing that she was "the one"

I freaked out, I tried so hard to handle those feelings but royally fucked it up.  But this doesn't alter the fact.  I pushed her away because I knew I was upsetting her due to my inability to be human about the tsunami of emotion that hit me as I had been a sociopathic robot up until then.  The problem is simple and not at the same time.  She is now happy in the arms of another.  I hope and pray that she will get what she needs and deserves.  I am an emotional shipwreck and not deserving of someone like her.  She was real and happy in her own skin which I admired and was petrified of at the same time.  My upbringing will define me. I want to love and I do. Forever more she will be the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I close my eyes at night.  The thought of seeing her makes me breathe hard and physically shake but I know she deserved better than me and hopefully she will find it, God willing.

I am not a good person otherwise the woman I love would be with me now and I would never have written this post.  I get it now, I did the wrong thing for the right reason. I stand by that and will live with it forever. I will endeavour to become a better person but after 35 years I realise you can't teach an old dog new tricks.