Blowing out the candles

As I finally found my eyes focusing this morning I saw that the Sun was high in the sky and that the birds were singing their good mornings to one another.  I felt so positive as I showered and readied myself for the day ahead.  Then it hit me.  Today is a milestone birthday for the lady I lost during my illness.  I immediately recalled all the plans we had made and the laughs we had while offering suggestions as to what we could do to celebrate the occasion.  We had spoken of so many things, going on holiday or going to London to name just two.  I had been so looking forward to expressing my true love in a monumental way in order to show my undying love and commitment to her.  Today had been chosen as the day that would celebrate our feelings and devotion.

Reality, however, now that the day is upon us is somewhat different to that which had me so full of anticipation just a few moths ago.  As I type this the card and present I had bought sit at my side, unsent and unwanted.  It amazes me that something I bought with such love now fills me with such sadness.  My illness and erratic behaviour of recent months has meant that I ave no way to speak to her, then there is facing the harsh prospect that receiving a gift, card or hearing my voice could ruin her day.  I dreamt so long of seeing her face as she opened the present and watching her blow out the candles, praying that the wish she would be of happiness in our future together.

Ironically, it was at the precise moment that I remembered the way today would be in reality was when grey cloud covered the sun which had warmed my face just moments prior and the birds almost in unison became mute in their chorus.  I did pluck up the courage to send her a text offering my good wishes for her day. I got no reply, but that does not surprise me.  I behaved badly and was not in control.  I just hope and pray that she has a lovely day, whatever she does, it's just so tragic that I lost the chance to share it with her.  All eyes will be toward the heavens tomorrow morning, hopefully the Sun will have again chosen to shine.