So there it was gone.  One chance to be finally happy and I blew it.  Not because I did not want to be happy, just because I did not recognise the feeling and became overwhelmed.  So what now? stay as I am and see how long the constant drinking and self abuse takes to put me out of my misery or try and work through it.  At this moment it would be so easy to take the self pity route and continually blame myself and others for the situation, but I dont see many benefits for anyone by doing that.  Instead I will pick myself up, dust myself off and work out a plan.  I have responsibilties and my focus must be on them, I need to do whats best for everyone else, it is not their fault I am such an emotional retard and I dont have the energy to blame anybody else.  I have come to the realisation that if you have lost everything you care about then all you can do is gain, easier said than done I am sure but who said life should be easy?
At least I can say I have felt love in it's purest form so I am grateful for that, just a shame that once I got it I could not handle it, Frank Sinatra croned about how he had too few regrets to mention, well if they all feel like this I dont want anymore.  I will just have to smile and work out what to do.  I have tried drinking, didnt help.  I have taken every pill the doctor told me too and neither did that so it's back to the drawing board for me, hey, tomorrow is another day.