Brain Freeze

Well! where to begin? An awful lot has changed since my last rant on here so I thought I would write down my thoughts about where I find myself now and my thoughts, fears and hopes for the months ahead. Today, I want to begin with the medical stuff as that has been the catalyst to all other events.

Firstly, I would like to begin with an overview of the past that fate has chosen to lead me down in the 20 months since my last post.  Most importantly is the fact that I never had a drink problem.  Despite my best efforts I could not maintain that lifestyle and decided to seek a definitive explanation regarding my moods and behavior that destroyed my life almost to the point of no return.  This began with a seizure earlier in the year.  My Daughter had to witness her Father convulsing and thrashing around with my tongue clamped between my teeth and taken away in an ambulance. The sight of her crying and being scared and me not being able to do anything to calm her was the worst moment of my life.  Thankfully that finally convinced the medical authorities to have a look and test me for the things I had been complaining about for the previous 3 years.  This chain of events coincided with another which I will go into in due course.  I have and continue to have numerous tests to find out what has been wrong with me all this time and pray that this will be resolved finally in January 2014 and that I can then put the darkest chapter of my life behind me.  I can however, now perfectly understand how the frustration and misery caused purely by a genetically inherited chemical imbalance in the brain can and has caused people to end their lives prematurely, as I can honestly admit it was an option I considered and for a tie actively pursued, much to my regret.  It has only been the last 3 months I have grown to accept and understand that the feelings I have felt and the things I have done have been purely due to this.  I do however accept responsibility for this as I should have tried to do more earlier, but I was scared to find out what it was.  Fingers crossed that nightmare is very shortly to be at an end.

On a happier note, I find myself back at work again.  Doing a job I have grown to like ad the possibilty to advance at a rapid rate, which coupled with my medical issues deminishing is at present the thing that is keeping me motivated to continue.  When I first took the job in March I had no motivation to anymore than I had to to get by and was more than content to do that.  Thankfully, some of my more positive characteristics have come to the fore.  I started here just a fortnight after my seizure and was terrified it would happen again.  I was therefore holding back from exercising the effort needed to succeed.  That changed in July when my health dipped again.  I suffered another minor episode and had to take 2 weeks off work.  During these 2 weeks I travelled a full spectrum of physical and mental emotion.  I  could not move, I suffered palpatations and sweats and was ranting and shouting and my moods became increasingly erratic.  At that moment, I honestly believed that this was how the remainder of my life would be.  My consultant contacted me and after a cosultation this all stopped, through mild medication, exercise and diet changes.  During this fortnight was when it finally dawned on me that I have to try hard at work as that is what I always did previously and that I hadn't suddenly become a bad person and that athough I felt I had lost everything and that it had all changed, that nothing is permanent and that if I truly want to get normality back then I have to go claim it.  I again, got up, dusted myself down and threw myself into work and decided to let the other stuff sort itself out.  I have since received a promotion and been placed on a management fast track scheme.  I am concious not to take on too much too quickly, but everyday I feel stronger and more resurgent and the more I do, the more I want to do.  I only have myself to look after, so rather than sitting in my poky flat whinging and worryig about what might or might not happen, I can grab the world by the balls and swing it.

I do not know what lies ahead long term.  All I know is that everyday I become more empowered and march on through life.  Not without some cuts and bruises, some of which might never go, but hey, they just might!

to write or not to write?

Been away for a while.  Not in the sense that I packed my bucket and spade and headed to the beach, more so that after my heightened mood toward the middle of last month, I inexplicably nosedived in to the worst depression of my life.  I reverted back to alcohol, had 3 suicide attempts and wallowed in self pity for the best part of a month.

Thankfully this has now lifted for the time being.  I am considering writing a book to see if that could be the outlet I am looking for.  Bearing in mind nobody has ever commented on this I have no gauge as to whether my story would be well received. On the other hand it does not matter, will do it for my benefit rather than anyone else's. I do not want money, fame, recognition. I just want to say goodbye to the darkness that haunts my mind and soul forever so that I can live the remainder of my years at peace.  Not too much to ask is it?

2 out of 2000 aint bad, is it?

All my life, everything I have set out to do I have failed.  All that is other than 2 things.  The first being so convinced that I would follow my Parents into a world of alcohol abuse and that feeling that I had no way of combating it, so it would be just easier to lay down and let it happen.  The other, was being heartbroken when I split with my childhood sweetheart when she cheated on me with my best friend after 3 years that I vowed to get her back.  Now, during my early twenties the two met and as a drunken wreck I was reunited with her.  When I finally sobered up I found myself married to her, a child on the way and having won her back I felt no trust or love toward her.

Well, it is now 7 years later, we split for 18 months in which time I met and lost the true love of my life, again through a mixture of depression and alcohol.  So now, I am on the sofa in the marital home, despising every moment of it and cursing myself.  I have learnt a lot (mostly the hard way) and am determined that things will change and every goal I set myself I will not achieve.  Over the last 2 days the glorious sunshine has got the endorphins buzzing once again.  I am positive for the first time in years about the future.  It is only now I feel ready to set the goals which will be the backbone of my future.  I hope and pray that the love of my life's path one day crosses mine and that I can fix what I so foolishly broke.  At this time all I could say is "sorry" but talk is cheap so my actions will be the visualisation of my feelings.

choosing the battles to win the war

Having spent so long wallowing in self loathing and pity at the ever growing pile of crap my life is becoming, I decided today that rather than trying to tackle the issues en mass, I have chosen to pick two or three single issues and seek to resolve them.

Today, for instance, I decided to complete some court papers I have had lingering for a long time and get those served and sent to court.  Also, I continued my increasingly farcical search for voluntary work.  To not a great deal of success, agreed but I can look in the mirror and try.  These two things alone have been part of the make up of my depression for a long time and now they are, for the most part, complete.

Also, I have agreed with myself that I will not decide what to do tomorrow until it arrives, as undoubtedly if I decided now, I would become anxious and ultimately undo any good work done by worrying about them.

It is nearly impossible to for half a man to kill a giant, but by chipping away at him piece by piece, he will become smaller.  As the frightening presence which once towered over you and filled you with fear becomes smaller, the confidence in your own abilities increases.  If this continues, then over time you will become so confident and assured that you will grow and become the giant.

That was today, how was yours?

After the Lord Mayors show but better, just

Well, after a dramatic weekend filled with me being, very drunk and obnoxious I have now dried out and feel a bit silly but a bit better.  2 days on the sofa attempting to dissolve my liver I now feel a bit of self loathing was just what I needed.  I know it was the at the expense of what ever little love and respect that those around me still felt, but you know what? that has been in decline over the last couple of years anyway and was probably undeserved.

So, the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle, a glass or a can.  My quest for self worth must continue and I have started today by looking for some voluntary work. In these days where we are bombarded by MP's about the so called Big Society, I have spent 4 hours trawling the Internet, willing to undertake any menial task in exchange for a drop of self respect.  I have hit a bit of a wall at the moment but it seems you need to be fluent in at least nine languages and have a pilot's licence to help in a soup kitchen.

However, I remain undeterred, tomorrow there is a meeting for people to volunteer locally, so assuming I can possibly help an elderly person with the gardening or go and take someones library books back without having a PHD in the translation of ancient Inca wood carvings in to Swedish then I might have a chance.

So a dry day both indoors and out ahead and I will continue my search. Chin up friends.

Drunk and pissed off

I woke up this morning and had a drink, I had another 10 minutes later and will have one every 10 minutes until I pass out.  I miss my life.  I miss my lady and I want to get pissed.  Not bothered who I upset or what damage I cause.  I really dont care. I will write what I remember.  Have a lovely day and God bless x

stroking Percy

What a weekend! Friday night I could not sleep.  I was tired but could not sleep as every time my eyes closed I was hit with what felt like a silver bullet to the temple with a reminder of my ex and the extent of my feelings toward her.  I woke up every ten minutes until the relief of daylight graced me and I was able to begin the next day.

Saturday I felt really positive.  I got myself ready and went for a walk.  I went to the shop, bought a paper and some breakfast and returned to the house (note, not home)  Upon my return there was a large brown envelope on the welcome mat.  This in itself is ironic as the content of this envelope was far from welcome.  It was a summons to court on April 18th as the mother of my son wants contact with him.  Deluded as she is and despite her previous erratic behaviour she feels that she has earned the right to see him again.  I read and digested the content of this summons and almost instantly prepared the case in my head as to how I would dispute her medication fuelled wantings.

My son had been out all night at a hike with the scouts and had finished at 1am and gone to stay with his cousin.  He returned home at 1pm the next day and appeared to have had a good time.  My major problem only came when I asked him what he had been up to that night, he answered " I spent most of the night stroking Percy"  At that point I froze and my mind began to reach for the conversation I needed to have and the birds and the bees.  I sat down, I had sweaty palms and a dry mouth as I hurriedly tried to imagine what I was going to say in respect of procreation and all the variants that accompany this.  I began with the usual blurb about how we grow up and our feelings become stronger and that sometimes Ladies and us chaps fall in love and we have urges.  I was nervous and withering on like an idiot, making the most carnal and basic feelings a human can have sound like the meaning of life.  Confused, it was then that he quite innocently explained that Percy was his cousins cat.  Relieved is an understatement of epic proportions.

Now I have postponed "that" chat for a while I can focus on getting myself match fit.  I will get there I am sure.  Just not sure the quickest route to get there.