The sins of the mother

When you meet a lady you unexpectedly walk into a whole pile of invisible issues.  Firstly, as we know, there are the daddy issues. This is a "can't win" issue! Because if a girl was brought up properly and Daddy had a good job and no issues and was brilliant, you have to match that or be better.  The other option was that Daddy left us, or was a drinker, or took drugs or was someone with no job.  In that circumstance you are dealing with someone else.  In fairness the second option usually comes with a tale provided by mum which expands the truth to a level. In that case I believe that every story has two sides.

As a guy who is trying to meet someone, both scenarios are frustrating. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot win. There is a phrase "for the sins of the father" and that is so true. 

Personally, I don't care what my mum has done and don't feel it relevant to my life.  Unfortunately, this is not the case when it comes to the female of the species. You will always be judged as not good enough or just like him, whether you meet him or not. Or or like him or not.  So your future happiness will be based on the life of her father or the beliefs held by her mother or siblings about him. Who or what you are is irrelevant. So, if you ever hear the words "you remind me of my Dad" either run or take the compliment. 

A tree with no leaves is not dead

As part of the daily commute to work I have to walk to the station. During the winter months this is an unpleasant and unrewarding experience, the frost crunches underfoot and the threat of slipping on the ice greets every step. 

This journey continues for months and the sight of the harsh looking bare branches swaying hauntingly in the high winds, offer no solace during this time.

However as I made this same journey in recent days I was greeted by a sight wish has changed my views on my personal journey over the last few years.

As I turned the corner into the tree lined avenue which concludes my journey, the branches which had been bare and somehow intimidating were covered in a bright pink blossom, this had appeared almost overnight and was a visual reminder that these trees were not dead they were completely the opposite, they were in fact, very much alive.

It was then that my epiphany consumed me.  I had hardly noticed those trees for a long time, during winter months they appear to be overwhelmed by their environment and simply died.  It became apparent that they had merely been doing exactly what they needed to in order to be in the best condition they could be, in order to not only survive but to flourish once their environment is more kind to them. Each individual tree will then have a battle to be taller, greener and wider so that they can attract more of the sunlight they need to be able live.  

This is how I have seen my journey.  I had to fade, regroup and do what I needed to do in order to come back stronger, taller (hopefully not wider) in order to succeed.

My walk to work feels somehow different now, I feel an affinity with my surroundings now.  I am not more likely to hug a tree but am far less likely to stub a cigarette out on one, after all, who am I to do anything to obstruct their survival?  Like a wise man once said "if you can't help me, don't harm me"

It's not an attitude it's a mirror

During my renaissance it has become clear to me that I have reflected too much on attributes and actions of people that annoy me.  So, I think it only fair that I should at least offer some sort of explanation for this which will also (I hope) act as a defence. 

Initially when I meet a person I instinctively assess them, by their posture, accent, attitude and appearance. Which, I know for a fact is wrong but I do. I am not racist or sexist, homophobic or ageist. However, I come from a place and a generation that are/were. And to be fair, I was brought up that way too within a certain degree. But do not agree with it.

I will explain where this leads me to as I digress somewhat.  As everybody does, when I meet or am introduced to somebody I automatically and subconsciously make assumptions about them and make a decision not to like them.  However, I have reasons as to why this may be and have planned a future in which this will not be the case.

When I was 11, I apparently told my Mother that if I do not like anyone they can't let me down. Quite the defence mechanism for a child of that age, I am sure you will agree? Following on from that, during my teenage years I decided that to not dislike, but to automatically dismiss people in a negative manner and should they prove to be nice and good people than that could only prove to be a positive reaction albeit potentially long term.

I have know recognised the reasons for this and have seen results as an adaptation of my attitude and action occurs.  

You like a person for reasons. Either, you see qualities within that person that mirror what you perceive your own to be. Or, you admire qualities of a person that you potentially aspire to be like or akin to.

I know realise that I should meet someone and open myself to them because not everybody will fail you, and in the same vain, you will not let everybody else down.

Suffice to say that "benefit of the doubt" is a mantra I shall cling by from this point and upwards. 

Three rights still make a wrong

Work is going well. Pay rise, promotion and qualifications. My health is better than it has been for years. My personal life is stable with bridges being built with friends and relatives. I feel like how I have wanted and prayed I would for so long, yet something is still missing. I don't know what it is, or I do but suppress the acknowledgment of it for fear it may envelop me and drag me back to the despair of the past. I wish that I could have the strength of others and cast aside feelings and emotions in favour of monetary fulfillment and self gratification, but alas this ability is not part of my psychological profile. I am unsure as whether I find a way to develop this ability would be a positive or negative addition to my life, hence my reluctance to find out. I often come across people in my life who can appear to be fully committed and emotionally engaged to something or someone. Whether it be a job, pet or relationship and then have an amazing ability to be able to discard it almost at a whim and move on to something or someone else with apparently no thought whatsoever. As I say, I am yet to ascertain as to whether this is a good or a bad thing so that leaves me stuck between feeling both envy and pity for these people. Saying that, the fact I have an opinion at all speaks volumes  I guess. ....

New dawn.........

So, finished with the hospital and am allegedly all fixed. After my procedure I had the most concentrated headache I have experienced. Imagine the worst migraine you have ever had, add a hangover and multiply by 5 and you have an idea if what I mean. That lasted for a couple of days.  Then that cleared like mist lifting from a lake and clarity entered my long confused mind.  I am truly excited and daunted at this prospect. Excited because my future thoughts and feelings will not be clouded or confused and that hopefully this will lead to happiness at some point. Daunted because there is a trail of mess behind me caused by the last few months and years.  The pain and suffering I have caused others will forever lay heavy in my heart and no apology or action could ever fix.  I cannot go forward looking back so I can only think positively and learn from this and promise myself that I will do everything for the right reasons.  Today was the first time I can remember for a long time that I have laughed purely and unconsciously just as an instinctive reaction.  Something that I took for granted for many years until the ability deserted me.  To have it back was an amazing feeling and one that I cannot wait to experience for many years to come.  To have gut feelings and not having to force or construct emotional response is always a roller coaster as some can be good and some not so much but I cannot wait to see where it takes me. It has taken a lot to get to this point and a lot of terrible sacrifices have been made but that's how it had to be to get here.  So I stand on the starting line of the rest of my life, sober, cured and hopeful. At the moment that is all I have got but it's more than I had. For that I am eternally grateful to the Doctors who put me back together and what ever higher power deemed me worthy of the opportunity. I will not waste it.

Brain Freeze

Well! where to begin? An awful lot has changed since my last rant on here so I thought I would write down my thoughts about where I find myself now and my thoughts, fears and hopes for the months ahead. Today, I want to begin with the medical stuff as that has been the catalyst to all other events.

Firstly, I would like to begin with an overview of the past that fate has chosen to lead me down in the 20 months since my last post.  Most importantly is the fact that I never had a drink problem.  Despite my best efforts I could not maintain that lifestyle and decided to seek a definitive explanation regarding my moods and behavior that destroyed my life almost to the point of no return.  This began with a seizure earlier in the year.  My Daughter had to witness her Father convulsing and thrashing around with my tongue clamped between my teeth and taken away in an ambulance. The sight of her crying and being scared and me not being able to do anything to calm her was the worst moment of my life.  Thankfully that finally convinced the medical authorities to have a look and test me for the things I had been complaining about for the previous 3 years.  This chain of events coincided with another which I will go into in due course.  I have and continue to have numerous tests to find out what has been wrong with me all this time and pray that this will be resolved finally in January 2014 and that I can then put the darkest chapter of my life behind me.  I can however, now perfectly understand how the frustration and misery caused purely by a genetically inherited chemical imbalance in the brain can and has caused people to end their lives prematurely, as I can honestly admit it was an option I considered and for a tie actively pursued, much to my regret.  It has only been the last 3 months I have grown to accept and understand that the feelings I have felt and the things I have done have been purely due to this.  I do however accept responsibility for this as I should have tried to do more earlier, but I was scared to find out what it was.  Fingers crossed that nightmare is very shortly to be at an end.

On a happier note, I find myself back at work again.  Doing a job I have grown to like ad the possibilty to advance at a rapid rate, which coupled with my medical issues deminishing is at present the thing that is keeping me motivated to continue.  When I first took the job in March I had no motivation to anymore than I had to to get by and was more than content to do that.  Thankfully, some of my more positive characteristics have come to the fore.  I started here just a fortnight after my seizure and was terrified it would happen again.  I was therefore holding back from exercising the effort needed to succeed.  That changed in July when my health dipped again.  I suffered another minor episode and had to take 2 weeks off work.  During these 2 weeks I travelled a full spectrum of physical and mental emotion.  I  could not move, I suffered palpatations and sweats and was ranting and shouting and my moods became increasingly erratic.  At that moment, I honestly believed that this was how the remainder of my life would be.  My consultant contacted me and after a cosultation this all stopped, through mild medication, exercise and diet changes.  During this fortnight was when it finally dawned on me that I have to try hard at work as that is what I always did previously and that I hadn't suddenly become a bad person and that athough I felt I had lost everything and that it had all changed, that nothing is permanent and that if I truly want to get normality back then I have to go claim it.  I again, got up, dusted myself down and threw myself into work and decided to let the other stuff sort itself out.  I have since received a promotion and been placed on a management fast track scheme.  I am concious not to take on too much too quickly, but everyday I feel stronger and more resurgent and the more I do, the more I want to do.  I only have myself to look after, so rather than sitting in my poky flat whinging and worryig about what might or might not happen, I can grab the world by the balls and swing it.

I do not know what lies ahead long term.  All I know is that everyday I become more empowered and march on through life.  Not without some cuts and bruises, some of which might never go, but hey, they just might!

to write or not to write?

Been away for a while.  Not in the sense that I packed my bucket and spade and headed to the beach, more so that after my heightened mood toward the middle of last month, I inexplicably nosedived in to the worst depression of my life.  I reverted back to alcohol, had 3 suicide attempts and wallowed in self pity for the best part of a month.

Thankfully this has now lifted for the time being.  I am considering writing a book to see if that could be the outlet I am looking for.  Bearing in mind nobody has ever commented on this I have no gauge as to whether my story would be well received. On the other hand it does not matter, will do it for my benefit rather than anyone else's. I do not want money, fame, recognition. I just want to say goodbye to the darkness that haunts my mind and soul forever so that I can live the remainder of my years at peace.  Not too much to ask is it?