So, the future?

It's been ages since I felt the urge to put something on here but I think a blow out will do me good.  Not because I am in a bad place or because I need to rant.  Just because I have come to a realisation of what it is that I need from life. Since I last posted I have done many things, some I am proud of and some not so much but everything I have done has been in order to channel where I am and where I want to be. For example, I got promoted at work. That felt good, recognised for working hard and doing the right things. That comes with challenges though. Not only do I have to continue to carry my baggage I now get to carry 13 other people's. Struggles with money, relationships, child care and medical things. This is all fine but in order to do this I have little choice but to put my issues on the back burner in order to help others with theirs. What have I learned from. This? Well, I have learned that I am pretty damn good at giving advice but pretty poor at listening to it. It's a good feeling to have a team that listens to you and the results they get for me are testament to that. 12 out of 13 would walk through a wall for me because they know I would do the same for them. The other 1 I will just sack. If their is one thing I have learned is that if you have a cancer you have to cut it out. I have tried to help but you really cannot help some people. 

In other aspects I tried to find out where I am in the relationship front. I reverted to type and slept about for a while. I went with a married woman, a 23 year old just to boost my ego which it didn't and have acquired a stalker which isn't ideal. None of these made me feel any better. Maybe the 23 year old did for a day but that was it. I learned that I have potentially got more of an emotional attachment to sexual relationships than I used to, as every experience has given me more questions than answers. I have stopped doing that now because I seek answers and not questions. Quite glad it didn't work out behaving like that because it was emotionally draining.

So, work is ok. Unless I find a long term relationship one day with the right person I am out of that game and I have my health. All things considered I have been in far worse places, but I am still not in the place I want to be in. The challenge is not even a daily one. I decide what I want from the next hour and achieve it. Micro management I know but for now it works 

Panic attack? Me?................

Before I began typing this I took the time to go outside and smoke a cigarette and as I watched the white and grey clouds hurry seamlessly across the blue sky in to the distance, I pondered just how honest to be in this post and what I wanted this to bring for me.  After I had heard the fizz of my cigarette extinguishing and lying next to those that came before, I made the conscious decision to be very honest and that by "saying" it, it would somehow clear space in my brain for other, albeit lesser dilemmas I currently find standing before me.

Over the last 3 months everything has been manageable in as much as I have felt in control of my actions, thoughts and feelings. That changed dramatically less than a week ago.  It was then that I felt it.  That burst of emotion that comes when you realise that despite your best efforts not to, that you have begun to have feelings for someone.  I have learned from past experience that the wise ones have the ability to build massive walls to hold this back and in all honesty I really thought I had done the same.  It was only when she told me that she had feelings for me that my struggle began.

When I say struggle, I do not mean that in a negative way.  It's a wonderful feeling, it really is.  But past experience has taught me that it must be managed and not just because of self preservation but mostly to protect the other person.  As always, I failed at this in spectacular fashion. Immediately I began thinking and feeling outpourings of all sorts.  The more that happened the more I fought it.  I fought it because I know how easy it is to lose control and immerse yourself in that person, this leaves you vulnerable and that is something I don't feel I could do.My situation, as always is difficult, as is common at my age, so is hers.

Then it came. After over thinking the situation, as is my way. I arrived at work, sat down. Within seconds I couldn't breathe, I was shaking uncontrollably, my arms and lips were tingling and my mind was spinning like a washing machine on a spin cycle.  I don't know what caused it.  It only lasted a matter of minutes and then it drifted away without trace, not unlike the clouds which I mentioned earlier.  I went to hospital.  I was checked over and had various tests done and nothing physical was detected.  After seeing several doctors, nurses and some other guy who I'm not sure who he was, I was told I had been the subject of a panic attack.  I laughed at this notion.  A panic attack? What have I got to panic about?  Nothing happened that morning to induce the breath stemming, mind jumbling and terrifying experience that I had succumbed to.  The doctor then asked me if I had anything going on in my  life which was causing me any stress?

At that point it all became clear.  It's not that I am afraid to have feelings for someone, in fact, quite the opposite is true.  What scares me is that I do not want to cause the other person any upset or distress and the fact that I convince myself that they would be better off with someone else.  When I had my seizure a couple of years ago I had the same feelings, as I had indeed made someone I love feel hurt and I struggled to live with that knowledge. It's why I revert to making my theory come true and push them away so that they can find this better person I feel they deserve.

Hopefully, now I can finally recognise this character flaw.  I can take the right actions to avoid a repeat of this cycle.

Whether now is the time to put it to the test remains the next decision.

Time heals but never forgets

So, in the nearly 10 months that has passed, an awful lot has happened. For starters, all the problems that I had have vanished almost as quickly as they arrived. The thoughts and feelings that imploded within me, took over my life and destroyed have gone. What caused this? I have no idea. In the same way that I will never know what brought them to me in the first place.  All I do know is that I am no way sorry to not feel that way anymore.

On the same note however, in a strange way I am not ashamed to have been that way for so long. Don't get me wrong, I lost everything and quite rightly so. However, I was blessed with the opportunity to look within myself and decide what sort of person I want to be and decide how that will come to be. 

I am always conscious that they could return at some point but I take every action I can in life to avoid this.

Those dark and evil thoughts that haunted me and ruled my actions and was unapologetic in their attempt to destroy me will live long in the memory.

I am 100% sure that I have come out of the other end a better person. Understanding the depths to which the human mind can work independently of its host is really an eye opener. I have a new found respect for life, other people  and that emotion should be embraced rather than suppressed.  There is no shame in admitting a weakness or a shortcoming, just as there is not in showing your strengths.  

It's only once you have taken yourself to the edge of yourself do you fully realise the complexity of your existence.

Far from now feeling ashamed or guilty. I feel that I have now become a well rounded, empathetic human. Something that anyone who knew me previous to the darkness would never have known me to be. Having experienced this, all I can offer to those who are now treading a similar path is to hold on, trust your own mind and remember that you are not alone in this. However much you have pushed all your loved ones away and isolated yourself. The ones who are willing to take the time to allow you this journey will be there when you emerge as the person you want and deserve to be.

Love is............

I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very nice person, I can't be.  I try to do the best things for people and I have good intentions but things go wrong.  My biggest downfall has been falling in love a few years ago.  I come from parents that have been married six times between them, that taught me that love is fickle and shallow and non existent so I never thought it was real.  Then it happened!  I fell head over heels for a lady that initially I couldn't stand.  All the things I had heard then became real. The butterflies in the stomach, the longing just to be with them and the knowing that she was "the one"

I freaked out, I tried so hard to handle those feelings but royally fucked it up.  But this doesn't alter the fact.  I pushed her away because I knew I was upsetting her due to my inability to be human about the tsunami of emotion that hit me as I had been a sociopathic robot up until then.  The problem is simple and not at the same time.  She is now happy in the arms of another.  I hope and pray that she will get what she needs and deserves.  I am an emotional shipwreck and not deserving of someone like her.  She was real and happy in her own skin which I admired and was petrified of at the same time.  My upbringing will define me. I want to love and I do. Forever more she will be the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I close my eyes at night.  The thought of seeing her makes me breathe hard and physically shake but I know she deserved better than me and hopefully she will find it, God willing.

I am not a good person otherwise the woman I love would be with me now and I would never have written this post.  I get it now, I did the wrong thing for the right reason. I stand by that and will live with it forever. I will endeavour to become a better person but after 35 years I realise you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Stepping out of the shadows

For longer than I can remember I have spent my time walking usually longer routes to my chosen destination.  I have not commented on things on social media sites that I feel I should have.  I have felt bad for working certain shifts because the timing might not be good and make some people uncomfortable.  I am pleased to say this is no longer the case.  Should I need to get somewhere I will head straight there. My intention is to comment should I wish and work whatever hours suit me. My reasoning is simple.  You can spend your whole life beating yourself up for things and worry about what others may think.  Yes, I have made mistakes, Yes I was ill. But, I never hurt anyone but I hold on to a belief that I need to stay out of the way.  After much soul searching there is a belief that no longer should my existence be denied.  I will do what I want when I want to and if you don't like it, jog on.  Life is short and precious and I have wasted far too much of it considering the thoughts and feelings if people that don't consider mine.  This decision has nothing to do with anything other than my belief that things need to change for the benefit of my own life.  Nobody else will look after it for me so I must own it.  You can only beat yourself up for so long, especially about things that you felt you had no control over.  In addition if you were being manipulated to feel that way, the reasoning becomes even less.  There are no longer any self imposed restrictions in my life. Don't let anybody put any on yours. 

Robots 1 v love 0

Several years ago I broke a promise to myself.  I said I would never allow myself to feel an emotion.  That promise was made as a boy and lasted through becoming a man.  I had girlfriends, relationships and even a marriage without breaking the promise I had made. The promise was that if I didn't feel anything for anyone I would be numb and if I was numb then I could never feel pain.  It was an anaesthetic for the soul. And it worked for a very long time, I survived a number of relationships, had a Son, that went South, bumped into an ex, married her and had another child. The birth of the children were the cracks which began my initial downfall. Going from nothing to unconditional love is a quantum leap, and it shocked me, at the same time it was natural so it caused no drama.  I embraced it for what it was and it was amazing. 18 months later I was hit by a comet. Without warning one day, I was hit in the middle of my chest with a feeling. I failed to recognise it to start with , I denied it, acknowledging it would be like sticking my head out of the trench and that is exactly what it was.  It was love and it was everything you see in a movie. It stopped me like a cannonball.  Imagine going to sleep with a massive smile on your face knowing you will wake up with the same. Just hearing their name makes your heart beat so hard that your chest hurts, seeing them walk into a room makes you so happy you could cry. Knowing that you don't care if anybody in the world exists apart from that person. Willingness to sacrifice absolutely anything just to see that person smile.  Well, I felt that and more but am not liking to tell anyone anything they don't already know. Suffice to say it went wrong, totally my fault for many reasons. I got ill and freaked out, she had her reasons which I respect. She was too nice, I had to pretend to upset her so she would live the life she deserves. Sacrificing my own feelings so that she can be happy. Not bad for a kid who promised not to feel a thing ever. Regrets? Many. Happy? No. I learned a lesson. The 8 year old me probably had the right idea .

Angry at what?

I am angry. Not just a little bit annoyed or a touch cheesed off.  I am raging.  I wake up raging, I rage all day and can't sleep because I am so angry.  I cannot really explain why, it has just surged on me.  I can't stand having people around me yet I do not want to be alone.  People's voices annoy me, people on the train platform make my blood boil.  It is like an energy that comes from my gut and I cannot stop it.  However, I am containing it better than I have done ever before.  I am somehow channeling it to positives but I fear that it may take me over.  Not in a violent way, just that I know what I am like and could do something spiteful or, more likely do something that I will regret by upsetting someone for no logical reason.

I just hope it subsides while I am still in control of it.  I have been this angry before but I am pleased to add, never this aware of it. Awareness is key to the situation and as unwritten this it is working, I am walking, working and breathing to release it.  While I don't know why I have this anger, experience has taught me one thing, it won't last forever so I must just ride the wave until it is replaced by another emotion.  And it will, which brings me solace.  Awareness of emotion is new to me and not an exact science, however it is something I am thankful for.